Leading and Chasing

This post was written last week.  Since then, I wrote my yia-yia post and realized that a lot of the emotion of this year is coming to a head as the holiday's approach.  But in an effort to be more open, here we go.

This year has been marked by ups and downs and sudden twists and turns. I have found myself full of confidence, feeling on top of the world and then wallowing in tears no doubt heightened by hormonal imbalances. Disclaimer: In case you haven't noticed, this post is about to get personal.

The times I feel like I am leading are the best. Dinners are made, the house gets cleaned, blog posts are scheduled, Mark and I have time to catch up, Behr and I arrive to daycare and work on time, and my anxiety level is low. Hint: when CSA inspired blog posts reach their peak, I am doing well and my family is eating healthy. When you haven’t seen one in a while it is because I can’t find the time to cook.

When I am leading, things just seem to hum along.

And then, without any warning I slip into chasing mode. Whether it is caused by exhaustion, or grief, or simply life’s challenges, I begin to chase. It is at this point, when I am feeling my lowest, that I begin to question why I blog. I catch glimmers of twitter updates and facebook statuses in fleeting minutes on my blackberry, wishing I had time to contribute, to be part of the conversation. This is when the self doubt slips in and I wonder if my presence isn’t wanted. I begin to chase after friends and other bloggers, begging for their acceptance.  All of this also happens with real life, but it isn't as clear to explain.

I am a people pleaser, yearning for acceptance in all of the wrong places.

I also chase people away.

Chasing makes me want to hurry up and get back on the horse and run away to the beach to spend hours counting sand all at the same time.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderfully supportive family and incredible friends, but everyone seems to be far away with never is time to fully catch up. So often it is me that doesn’t have enough time; that has an overly full schedule and won’t take time to rest.  I hurt the people closest to me when I slip into chasing mode.  And then, I blame them.

I am grateful that throughout this year of so much change, my faith has remained constant. My conversations with God are frequent, time I spend it prayerful reflection is fulfilling, but I am still so prone to stumble.

And so I feel caught in a cycle of leading and chasing.  Do you get caught in cycles too?